I feel like I should say something about the new year. Not necessarily something poignant or life changing. Just something that’s been on my mind.
I’m trying to reclaim my life little by little after an upheaval of two years. Things were not good but I feel like I’m progressing toward something good, something better. I still cannot seem to make my house look perfect or get my laundry all done. I need to rearrange somethings in life and my living room but on the whole it’s better than it was. I won’t spend this post telling you about everything that’s gone wrong because I want to focus on the positive but here’s the nutshell version: People and pets died and others let me down when I needed them most. HOWEVER through all the shittiness I found that life is still good and I CAN still be happy. I don’t think I would have learned that if hard changes hadn’t come my way.
Sometimes we (and by “we” I mean “I”) have to learn lessons the hard way. It sucks giant donkey balls but when it’s over or at least when we’ve gained a little distance it’s clear the lesson will not be easily forgotten.
Have you ever had those moments of complete clarity and everything makes sense for just two seconds? Sort of like when you realize putting your plate down on the counter for half a second wasn’t such a great idea because your asshole cat can smell that a mile away and now he’s running off with your chicken leg and leaving a Hansel and Gretel-ish trail of chicken parts and batting them around the living room floor. I had one of those and I realized that none of it mattered. I was more worried about what other people were doing and thinking about me than what I needed to do. (Mostly, take better care of myself, but other stuff too. Funny how it took 35 years to figure this out.) I had been living life based on other people. What they wanted from me, how I was expected to act, and all the anxiety of trying to stay in this crappy little box I had been put in. The thing was, I thought I was happy in the crappy little box. I thought my life was pretty awesome. Sure, I was having lots of panic attacks and things felt off and I was using certain people as a crutch and not dealing with things properly but I thought things were pretty okay.
Imagine there’s a bear in your room. A giant not so happy bear. (I’m not sure why he’s unhappy, perhaps because Emmex took that chicken leg when he was planning on stealing it from me, but the motivation isn’t really that important. Of course now I’m worried that I’m trivializing a fictional bear’s feelings. Dear Gd.) And your brain is refusing to see it because then you have to figure out what to do with the bear and if you should call animal control or the zoo or if you just need to get a knife from the kitchen and start defending yourself. So you throw a sheet over the bear and pretend it’s not there so no one will look at you funny for having a bear in your room. But then, something happens and the bear starts tearing your room apart. All of the sudden you can’t pretend it’s not there and everyone is like, “Sweet lord why is there a bear here? Do you know you’re crazy for keeping that thing around? You need to deal with this!” And you finally have to do something about it yourself because no one else can do anything about your bear.
I think I finally dealt with my bear. He’s not gone, but for now he’s placated with therapy and meds and a glass of wine now and then.
So! On to 2016! Even though it is just a symbolic and arbitrary definition of a new beginning it feels good to have a whole new year!
No more looking back.