I’ve been going through a particularly horrid bout of depression and panic lately which is, most likely, the reason I’ve not been writing. However I’m working on it. And that’s all we can ever really do isn’t it?
Waking up in the middle of the night with no reason for a panic attack other than the fact that I was breathing totally sucks. Especially since the breathing part gets particularly hard when you’re hyperventilating.
Me: I think I’m going to sleep and have good dreams.
4 hours later -> Brain: Just kidding! You totally need to be awake now and worried about EVERYTHING. Why are you sleeping? DON’T YOU KNOW EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE?!
Me: What’s going on? Did something awful happen?
Brain: No, but it will.
So I hyperventilate and make some tea and check on my kids at 1:35 am on a school night (my 17 year old was awake claiming no knowledge of the time. Surprise!) then took an ativan and tried to go back to sleep.
Ativan can be great for panic but it definitely sucks the energy out of me. I don’t fall asleep but the relaxation that comes with it can make me way too mellow at times. Imagine being at work and finding out you’re almost late for a meeting. It puts a bit of hustle in your step right? Ativan takes the hustle away. In fact, you are the opposite of disco. Which can be quite nice honestly. I hate it when I can’t control channeling John Travolta at work. 😉 (Oh and I totally made it to that meeting. Yay!)
Of course this leaves us with just the depression to deal with. Yeah, just depression. Like I just stole an ostrich from the zoo so I could ride it downtown and now the police are just at my door.
That ostrich can cause so much more damage than can ever be imagined.
When you are your own worst enemy it takes a lot to face the world. You only have so much mental energy and panicking about stuff that hasn’t happened or having depression can severely deplete your mental store. On days I have to be out in the world I spend the rest of my mental energy trying to look like a normal person. Nevermind I don’t blend in because I may have decided to put blue streaks in my hair or I’m wearing something outlandishly bright to counteract the depression creeping in from every corner. I’m talking about normal as in can-interact-with-other-people-without-freaking-out.
And I’m not just talking about face-to-face interactions. Phone calls also freak me out. I would rather text a conversation than talk. Maybe it feels less confrontational? (Yeah, because ordering pizza or sandwiches or sushi is soooo confrontational. I actively seek out restaurants that let me order online just so I don’t have to talk to a person. I should probably mention this to my therapist.)
All these things, plus a bazillion others, I’m working on. I’m may not get it figured out today or this week or this year but I’m trying. (Just like I’m trying to write this blog while Emmex steps all over my phone. Yes, touchscreens totally register cat noses and paws.) I know I can’t give up because that would mean the crap side wins and I hate that more than talking on the phone.