Time for a Change

Disclaimer: This is long and haphazard, much like a train of thought that keeps up at full speed.  There are no set conclusions but there is a pretty decent quote at the end.

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Before I left the country for a week I had decided it was time for a change in life. My job, my house, my situation in general. I have been going through an exceptionally rough time emotionally, financially and physically. I have to do something to change all three of these things.

The sermon this last Sunday was about forgiveness. I’m not going to sit here and preach to anyone about being religious but this one really hit me…HARD. There are a few people who have been in my life that have made it unbearable and instead of dealing with what they have done to me emotionally and/or financially and/or physically I have cut them out and tried to forget. The anger and scars will always be there to crop up at the least convenient time. I’ve identified some of my triggers but sometimes it’s a surprise and I’m suddenly in the midst of a Sunday sermon surrounded by people I’m convinced have no idea what it means to be in my situation and I have no desire to explain it to them either.

I’m a little more than slightly fucked up. Not quite massively, but enough to where I sometimes don’t want to deal with real world issues which can get me into more trouble than I’d like to admit.

There are two people right now who have decided I wasn’t worth the respect I deserve. One, I have to deal with on a usually weekly basis (hopefully for only a few more years). The other I have completely cut out of my life even though they owe me a massive amount of money. (Please do not hound me with links to small claims court documents and whatnot. I have decided it would do my mental state more harm than good to confront this person seeing as how they are a shitbag and do not deserve one more iota of my time.)

There is one more person who decided I did not deserve to be treated as a human being and I deal with the emotional damage at least once a week, sometimes more depending on the weeks happenings.

My job gives me weekly panic attacks because of stress, certain people talking about things they know nothing about (triggers), not enough job power to get things done properly, etcetera.

My point in telling you these things is not to complain. It is to motivate me to suck it up and get on with my life. Everyone gets treated like absolute shit at one point or another. In that way I’m no more different than anyone else in this world. And there are still people who make great things out of their lives. This is motivation.

So I’ve decided I will be quitting my job for hopefully something more lucrative and less stressful, I will be ignoring the shitty people, and hopefully moving soon. I will be trying to organize my life in a way that will be less conducive to panic attacks and more conducive to relaxation.

Anyway, back to the forgiveness thing. The sermon was more about your own healing and not about giving the other person an out. Just because you forgive them does not mean you are condoning what they have done. It doesn’t mean you have forgotten what they have done. What good is it if we don’t learn from our mistakes? You don’t have to forget that you trusted the wrong people. You don’t have to reconcile with the bastards who fucked you over. But you can forgive them and let yourself off the hook for bringing justice to the universe. I have a hard time with this because I have a very strong sense of justice and forgiveness to me has always been letting the other person get away with their wrong behavior. It’s letting them go to do more wrong things. It’s letting them mess this world up just a bit more. But I also forgot that in not forgiving them I was giving myself the unfair responsibility of fixing them, of righting the wrong things they did and making the world better for it. That is impossible.

So I’ve decided I’m going to write three letters. All it’s going to say is I forgive you. And then I’m going to get a new job, move, write books, travel etc and stop worrying that I need to fix everything. Because that’s the only control I have over this situation.

This will not fix my situation. It won’t make my panic attacks magically go away. It won’t make money appear in my account. It won’t make the nightmares stop. It won’t make what they have done any less damaging. I’ve been holding on to these horrid things and it doesn’t do me any good whatsoever. Yes, I will still have many things to work through. I will not be a different person, but I’m hoping this will free me.

Forgiveness is not always easy. At times, it feels more painful than the wound we suffered, to forgive the one that inflicted it. And yet, there is no peace without forgiveness.” -Marianne Williamson

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Iceland and whatnot

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I have just come back from my dream vacation in Iceland. I bathed in the geothermally heated waters of a volcano, met fluffy Icelandic horses (squee!), walked in the footsteps of Vikings between tectonic plates in the Mid-Atlantic Ridge at the place of the first parliament, saw geysers and seals and hot springs and tons of large and small waterfalls. I was the happiest I have been in probably 3 years.

So why THE FUCK am I so depressed right now?

It started after I got back home and my kiddos went to their dad’s so I was left alone, which I would normally be fine with after a week of never being alone. But this time it wasn’t.

Depression Lies. I keep telling myself that. I should still be riding the high of getting to go to the place I’ve been dreaming of for years. For an entire week I woke up without thinking I hate my life. But then it ended. I had to come back to my real life. And this is what it’s like in my head.

Any normal person would be perfectly happy right now.

Any normal person wouldn’t be waiting for the other shoe to drop.

…waiting for everything to go to crap, waiting to find out why I can’t be happy for long.

So I’m going through my photos over and over and reminding myself how awesome the last week was. I woke up to mountains every day. I visited the birthplace of Leif Eriksson. I got to spend a morning with horses whose breed hasn’t changed in 1000 years. I STUMBLED upon seals by the side of the road.

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Hello!

I’m so freaking happy I got to have all these experiences. It’s a beautiful country. And the birds every morning! It was so cool waking up to new bird songs. Knowing that I was walking in the same places that Vikings had gave me chills. The history of a place like that is amazing. We just don’t have stuff like that here in the states.

But I did miss my Emmex. I’m pretty sure he missed us too. He hasn’t left my side since we got back. 🙂

Anyway,

depression lies, depression lies, depression lies…

…and Vikings were awesome and Iceland is the most amazing country I’ve been to.

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