I’ve Got A Theory…

I sleep in awkward positions. Mostly  because I fidget often during the night but also because Emmex loves to come in and cuddle my face at the exact moment I’m drifting off. This results in much shuffling of the kitty and a large amount of purring happening (no matter how much I shove him) in the vicinity of the pillow resting area. Thus, the sleeping configuration most used is the one where I’m on my stomach, pillow clutched between arms, and Emmex sleeping as close to my face as he can possibly get. I woke up this morning and thought my arms had fallen off.

I mean, it’s not unusual if you’re in a static position for long periods of time for a body part to go numb, especially if you tense up like I tend to do. But I woke up and in my stupor could not detect the limbs which generally protrude from above my armpits and below my neck. 

Emmex was unconcerned though this would presumably affect him a great deal. How would I get him breakfast? How would I change the litter box? How would I shove him off my face in the middle of the night?! He continued purring in my ear like it was a perfectly normal morning and my extremities hadn’t  just disappeared in the dark of the night. 

Of course, my arms were and continue to be attached. (Surprise!) But then I started to wonder if that actually could happen. 

Restricted blood flow could be a very serious matter. They used to cut limbs off on the regular because of tourniquets and whatnot. This is a pretty crude method of saving a person or at least prevent them from having some rotting zombie meat stick attached to your body for the rest of your life but it’s effective.  Truly, who wants zombie arms which could go all possessed-Ash-hand on you at any moment? 

Okay, but assuming you didn’t cut off the zombie accessories and just….just let them hang there (instead of cutting them off and attaching a sweet landscaping tool like, say, a chainsaw) …your ligaments and muscles and skin flaps would eventually rot because blood would no longer be sustaining them. of course that could potentially be transformed into a cool windmill-like weapon if you spun really fast. And it wouldn’t hurt because: numb.  

I would assume the fingers would fall off first because they are the furthest away from the blood flow. It would be extremely disconcerting to be able to feel your fingers but then your shoulder just uncouples like some bad B movie special effects. So you’d start with fingers you could just flail in any general direction (not very intimidating, seriously, picture it.) and then you’d get the wobbly elbows and shoulders like some grotesque marionette.

Oh and the smell! Can you imagine the putrification of such appendages? You couldn’t go out to dinner (nevermind you have no workable hands to feed yourself) or enjoy the smell of roses or walk into one of those craft stores that have the awesome cinnamon pine cones without smelling the vile rotting flesh hanging inches from your nose.  You might be able to mask it with some really good candles or body spray but then you’d just smell like a 19 year old on the prowl and that’s not pleasant either. 

So assuming I am correct in all this (and let’s face it I usually am) and my arms had stayed numb for long enough they probably could just fall off.  I could have been slowly turning into a noxious, no-fingered monster whose sole purpose would have been to take out people with my windmill kung-fu action but Emmex just continued purring. 

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