My therapist, in an effort to get me to refocus, told me I should write about my accomplishments. Something about giving me a better perspective on life or some such. I told her just getting myself to therapy was an accomplishment. She did not accept that answer. So here I am.
I suppose what pushed me to write this tonight (after I’ve taken my ambien, so I apologize if this gets weird. No wait. I don’t apologize. If it gets weird just go with it, okay?) is the fact that I just tried Spam. No that’s not really an accomplishment in and of itself. However the realization of the fact that spam is just a flat square hotdog is pretty life changing. Now, I can’t prove that is the same as a hotdog because spam, at least the spam I bought, did not have an ingredients list. As disgusting as hotdogs can be (they are made out of mechanically separated leftovers!) they still put the ingredients on the packages. Since spam cannot be bothered to tell me what, in fact, it is made of so I have no other choice but to conclude that spam is made of spam.
Now, if we’re being completely correct here and spam is the smallest component in spam wouldn’t that make it an element on the Periodic Table? Are there spam molecules? By this logic the answer is yes. Could I draw organic chemistry reactions with it? How many valance electrons does it have? Is it radioactive? If so what is the half-life of spam? (Okay, probably not radioactive because FDA, but given its reputation you can’t blame me for asking.)
The answer is always resonance.
ALL of these questions flew through my mind in the few minutes it took me to eat most of one slice. (Emmex was bugging me so I gave him a few very small pieces but he was not impressed.)
It wasn’t bad, but I don’t think I’d ever crave it.
But this leads me into chemistry and that degree was an accomplishment. It took 6 years while juggling two toddlers, a part-time job and teaching Sunday School to small people. I remember getting about 3/4 of the way through every semester then having a mental breakdown. 15 credits sucks when you have to come home and potty train, or make dinner, or clean up the five pounds of flour one kid threw all over his brother. <- That one I can laugh about now.
I finally graduated in '08 with my B.S. in Chemistry. I was certainly not the highest achiever but I made it. And I can hold that in my hands.
Another accomplishment I have had, which is technically still in progress, is making decent human beings. Seriously. You push this tiny thing out of your vagina and the second air hits his or her face you worry about how good of a parent you will be. You try not to screw them up too badly. There have been so many times I wanted to just throw my hands up and yell, "That's it Larissa! You've ruined the children!"
There was the time just this last year I realized I had shown my kiddos more Dracula and Frankenstein and Zombie movies than Disney. My youngest, Devon, actually pointed it out to me. He had never seen The Lion King. A few months later we finally sat down and watched it. I thought I was being this awesome parent, finally showing my 14 year old a movie all his friends had hyped up. At the end he looked at me and said, "I don't know why everyone said this was the best movie ever." I sighed, lamenting for half a second the fact that my kids have never been the stereotypical Disney kids. They grew up on Hellboy and Star Wars and Sherlock Holmes and Jurassic Park. Truth be told, while I enjoy Disney movies, I'd really rather watch the other. Our tradition four years running is to watch Zombieland while putting up the Christmas tree.
So far they're pretty awesome little men. They're caring and don't do drugs and get their chores done…eventually. I'm very proud of the type of people they have become. So yeah, that's another accomplishment.
The rest aren't really so much accomplishments as little things I've done that aren't necessarily bad. Like when I was going through an uber rough time this last fall I decided to do something to try and counteract all the shitty feelings by contacting a volunteer/charity group in Nepal (a country I absolutely love) and sent money to fund schooling etc for children in remote villages. I received back a short letter and a picture of this sweet little nine year old girl. Really, nothing will help distract you from your awful feelings better than knowing you helped someone.
I've installed a dishwasher, a thermostat, refinished crappy thrift store furniture into decent looking pieces with sandpaper and paint, installed a new light in the dining room, made jewelry, taken some seriously kickass photos, crocheted stuff that's useful like hats and sweaters….and at the end of the day I'm not satisfied with what I've done. I should be doing more, or doing better or just doing something.
So okay, I made a list of accomplishments. This was actually pretty hard. I know you've probably read this in just a few minutes but in full disclosure this has actually taken me four days of writing and rewriting and deleting and agonizing over whether or not to include other things. (Also asking Emmex for advice when I was particularly stuck. He was not very forthcoming. He did, however, provide moral support in the form of purrs and snuggling.) So now I'm giving this list to the internet ether. I may come back to look at it when I need a boost of morale or to remind myself that I still do not know what spam is made of.